Infertility Demons

Angry, frustrated and overwhelmed

2010-07-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

The "sea" of donors has totally overwhelmed me and I am in total shut down mode at this point! In the past few days we have selected donors only to find out they live out of state and there will be an additional charge (like I am made of money), there is another couple interested in her or my favorite ... the IVF clinic won't work with donors that young (news to me ... something they might have wanted to let us know). So, needless to say I am in shut down mode ... mad at the world, stuck in a rut and unmotivated to look at another donor profile:)

As has been par for the course, all bad news is delivered at 3 pm on Friday afternoons, so that I can agonize and stew over it all weekend long before I can talk to anyone who might be able to offer insight or answers!

Oh yeah and since I am made of money, we found out this week that we will need to pay the legal fees again! Wait, the donor we picked failed her medical and we get hit with another legal bill ... how does that seem fair!?!?!?

Totally frustrated with this whole situation ... how many times do I need to be hit over the head before I finally succumb to the fact I am not meant to be a mother....

Another brick wall ...

2010-07-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it nothing is simple? I should have know we would run into another brick wall, right, it is only par for the course?!?! Last night we found out that there is a great chance our donor will not pass her medical:( Her initial medical exam revealed that her egg reserve is on the borderline of the lowest of what the center will consider for donation. We are waiting for her hormone levels to come back early next week. Then the doctor will make a final decision ... the nurse is leaning toward the doctor rejecting her. Ugh! Not that I am "sold" on this anonymous donor ... I am just tired of waiting!!!!! It has taken us 2 1/2 months to get to this point with this donor ... why?!?! It is obvious that as my husband put it last night "Satan is trying really hard to prevent us from being parents". This morning I called the agency to get a password to start looking at donors again. They were accommodating, but still optimistic that this donor will work out ... I am not. So, now the overwhelming task of looking at donors again ... and the waiting game again.

...donor eggs it is!

2010-07-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am cautiously optimistic as I write this post. After over 2 years of IF, failed IVF cycle and countless tears we have started our quest for a baby through donor eggs!

We have begun working with an agency and an anonymous donor. The agency fee is paid, the lawyer paid and papers signed. Our donor has passed her psych testing and next week will undergo her medical testing. Then we'll wait for 3 weeks to get the results of her genetic testing and we'll be on our way ... WOW!

Prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated! More to come later ...

Mis-mash of thoughts

2010-02-07T07:53:00.000-08:00

I have had great intentions of posting a blog for the past 4 weeks ... it's the thought that counts right!?!? I even have composed several blogs in my head, but just haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. Oh well!

On the TTC front ... at the end of the week we will have the money we need to proceed with DE. Next weekend's agenda ... complete our tax return, look over the DE profiles again and prepare our next step. All very scary and yet exciting too:)

My DH has been more than supportive during this whole (almost 2 year stint) and for that I am completely grateful. He has shed tears and shared with me his desire to be a dad. Never has he pressured me and it has always been my decision. Over the last two weeks he has definitely hit a different stage of TTC and has shared with me some of his fears, desires etc. It has been really eye opening for me! I guess I have been rather selfish throughout this whole process and for that I am ashamed. We agree, we both are tired of waiting and hoping. Once we have the money we need to try DE and if that doesn't work we are done. We need to move on with our lives either with a baby or without! It is time to stop saying "what if", we can't do this because some day we might be parents, my career needs to progress instead of standing still, etc, etc, etc.

As some of you might recall I am an Assistant Principal in a small district. Thanksgiving weekend a teacher in the elementary building delivered premature twins which weren't due until March 5th! Thankfully they are doing well and getting stronger everyday. Naturally this whole situation has brought up a lot of emotions and feelings in me. And it really has brought to the front various of my colleagues feelings about infertility and parenthood. Some for the better and some for the worse. It has amazed me how inconsiderate people are! take for instance my "boss" (my principal). While he has some knowledge of my struggles with infertility, my laproscopy etc he has been rather insensitive! Comments such as "sometimes your body is telling you not to be parents" when we were discussing this teacher and her infertility issues and early delivery. WTF!!!!! This is still parents and two babies who are fighting for their lives on a daily basis ... keep your stupid opinions to yourself!

Another teacher I work with has a best friend who is also struggling with infertility. She recently conceived and things were going well. Then at 12 weeks she had an ultra sound which revealed the baby's organs were malformed and there was a cyst on the umbilical cord, both of which required her to terminated the pregnancy for the health and safety of her and the baby. OMG I cannot imagine:( And they even did extensive genetic testing ... it was just a fluke.

So, once again, in the midst of my mis-mash thoughts I am riding that roller coaster ride of emotions! Infertility is a horrible thing that I just can't seem to understand, it is unfair and it makes me angry.

Thoughts to end ... religion. Another battle I am trying to currently figure out. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, went to catholic schools until Freshman Year of college. By far am I not a practicing catholic. However, I am really struggling with my beliefs, coming to terms with my faith and its' thoughts on IVF, infertility etc. So many of you have found comfort in your faith and for that I am so jealous. Not sure were to turn at this point, but it is definitely something I need to figure out.

Emotional Roller Coaster Again ...

2010-01-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today I was off work for MLK Day so I scheduled an appointment at the RE's office. A couple of weeks ago they called and have added a new procedure to their standard which I didn't have in the fall when we updated all of our tests for the year. So, today I went ... I didn't realize what an emotional roller coaster this would cause me to be on today!?!? Not sure why, but I hadn't been there in awhile and I cried on my way home!?!? Jeez it was just blood and urine!

On Friday DH and I realized that by the end of next month (February) we will have the rest of the money we need for DE ... that was scary and exciting all in one!

This has been such a long and emotional process and once again when we get closer to a dream I panic! I want nothing more than a baby and I am ready for DE (I think) but it is so emotional! It is so much money! Especially in this economy given the fact my husband has been not working a lot of late because there is no work ... granted my job is secure but still!

All day long I have been freaking out and really for no reason. Oh my! I can hardly stand myself ... scared, crying, happy, loopy ... ahhh!

Good bye 2009!!!!!!!!

2009-12-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

I know it has been awhile since I posted last and for that I apologize ... I have been reading everyone's blogs just not posting myself:(
With only a few days left in 2009 I can honestly say I can't wait until it is over! 2009 was probably the worst year in my life and 2010 HAS to be better, right!?!?!
Let me try and catch everyone up (if anyone cares and actually reads this thing?). Since my last posting we got a second opinion. The new RE confirmed the diagnosis / prognosis of the first RE. Due to my age, the endometriosis and failed IVF attempt our best chance of having a child is to use third party egg donation. That was a shock that took awhile to digest! But, my DH and I agree that we want a child and are willing to do what it takes to achieve that dream. So, we returned to the original RE to discuss donor egg options / procedures. Then the task of paying for this new adventure in our lives ... seriously money, money, money ... it makes the world go round:( Finally after many nights of lost sleep and planning we have a plan to pay for the donor eggs ... pending any emergencies between now and then we should have our finances in order by March / April and then we can begin!
December has been horrible for us ... not only has the whole Christmas, kids etc thing been wearing us down we had to put our darling Labrador retriever, Mocha, to sleep about two weeks ago. What a horrible experience to say the least!!!! Mocha was an important part of my life for the past 9 1/2 years (and 5 years of my DH's life). He was sick for about 3 weeks and finally the vet diagnosed the problem. The disease he contracted is called Blasto (for short as I can't say nor spell the real name). Basically it is a disease in which fungus grows on the lungs ... there is no cure and no prevention. Symptoms included: high fever, cough, sores on the neck area and eyes that fogged over. He got worse quick! We were lucky to have one last night with him after the diagnosis. My DH made him his last meal ... pork chops, fried potatoes and a pound of bacon. The night was spent cuddling, hugging and crying. Sleep was not happening and the next morning we took him to end his suffering. He went very peacefully and both my DH and I laid next to him the entire time. It sucked! Thankfully, our puppy, Romo, was at home to comfort us. I am so glad we got her this summer as I know it would have been unbearable to come home to an empty house!
To all of my IF friends I wish you a Happy New Year! To those of you whose dream of motherhood is coming to fruition or has recently come true ... congratulations! My goal for 2010 is to make it better than 2009 ... here is to hoping:)

They are my records , why do I have to pay $50????

2009-09-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

My DH and I have finally decided that we should get a second opinion. Our doctor's advice that we should use donor eggs or adopt as our only solutions isn't sitting well with us so why not get a second opinion. So, this week I called the RE's office to request my records. I was informed there is a $50 fee and a form to complete. Basically the form stated that we weren't going to use these records to sue the RE ... that in itself was unnerving in my opinion! But, $50 ... seriously! They are my records!!!!! So, I yelled at my DH about this, completed the stupid form and paid the $50 ... in 24 hours I received the records in the mail ... gee that took them along time to get together, not! As I looked over the records it is obvious that all they did was hit print on the computer screen ... so why the $50 fee!?!?! Insane! Now, this week I'll call a new RE and we can start this whole process over again ... what a great, fun way to spend time, right!?

And we go on ...

2009-08-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

Well today is my official last day of summer vacation as I return to work tomorrow:( How depressing! As many of you know our plan was to take a break this summer and with the impending end of my summer it has brought extra anxiety in the land of infertility! My DH and I have decided that acupuncture and its' diet restrictions, costs, etc are not for us. Not as easy of a decision as one would think, but ultimately what is best for us. I am still waiting for the insurance company to accept the charges from our last IVF in April ... what is the problem!?!? Guess I need to call this week and inquire. Once that is resolved and the chance of having to pay the entire cost ourselves is gone we will try again. (We were told it would be covered before we started this whole process) My DH and I agree that donor eggs are not an option and although adoption is a wonderful choice for some people neither of us feel that this is for us. So, we will begin to look for a different doctor / clinic and when insurance has cooperated try that approach one more time; hopefully for IVF #4. We both feel our current doctor has a terrible bedside manner, the clinic is like a factory and although the nurse is awesome we would like someone (the doctor) who is more optimistic, people centered and willing to help us achieve our dream. This "IF train" is so emotionally draining and just when you think things are better your not ... ugh!

Acupunture #1

2009-07-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well I finally took the plunge and went to see an acupuncturist last night! We spent a lot of time talking and he asked a TON of questions. Then he gave me a list of 22 things I need to change in my diet and did the first treatment. Wow! The only point that hurt was in my ear ... it stung the entire time. When I inquired about the pain he said it was a point of stress ... gee, um, do you think I have a lot of stress!?!?! Next week he wants my DH to come with so he can teach him a massage technique to increase the blood flow to my female areas ... this should be interesting since my husband despises massages! He reluctantly will rub my shoulders or neck once in a blue moon if I totally beg and plead! This morning when I woke up I felt like crap ... kind of like I do the day after I get a deep tissue massage ... as I have been awake things have improved some. The acupuncturist, Peter, wants to see me every week for 4-6 weeks and then he will add herbs and we will go to every other week for treatment. He doesn't suggest we try IVF again for at least 4 months ... that means we will have had a 7 month break! It could be longer though since the clinic is closed in December for the holidays so in reality we are looking at January 2010. Wow, that seems like forever! Not really what I wanted to do .... wait again! But I am trying to keep an open mind. The changes in diet are going to be a challenge I think ... I know I need to do it, but no dairy products (I love milk, cheese and yogurt), eat oatmeal (I can't stand the consistency), eat almonds (I am not a big fan of nuts) etc, etc, etc. It is all for a good cause though, right ... that is just how I have to keep thinking ... this is all for a baby.

Frustrated with stupid people who just don't think!

2009-07-21T08:51:00.000-07:00

Let me set the stage before I start venting ...

In August my brother is getting married. He and his soon to be wife have lived together for 6 years. She was married previously and has a 9 year old daughter. I like my future SIL. She has her "issues" but who doesn't:)

I do not talk openly with my family about my infertility issues, but they are aware of the problems. ( I know they discuss them amongst themselves, but I don't care to participate in those discussions).

Yesterday my future SIL sends me one of those stupid joke / chain emails. I open it and it has pictures of babies and puppies and talks about the bond they have and how they are the best babysitters for each other. What? Why would anyone send this to someone who is infertile and trying desperately to have their own child!?!?! I saw the email and immediately started yelling at my DH ... poor thing (once again the recipient of my madness).

Why do people not think? I swear I am going to write a book on how people should act around infertile people! Does she not having a "F****" brain or is she just to wrapped up in her upcoming wedding????? AAAAHHHH!

I always knew she was self-centered and fake, but this just cemented everything for me!

I'm still here:)

2009-07-13T13:20:00.001-07:00

I realize it has been over two months since my last post. I am still here and have been reading everyone's blogs to stay up to date. During this break, I have taken time for me and we have a new addition to the family, a puppy! So, let me see if I can catch everyone up on what is going on with me.

School ended and as my DH and I said I would take the summer to relax in the pool, heal myself emotionally and decide what the next step would be and when. That was the plan, but here is what really happened:) The first weekend I was off we went to a shelter and adopted an 8 weeks old lab / shepherd mix puppy. Her name is Romo (yes, we are huge Dallas Cowboys Fans) and I think I lost my mind when I thought this would be a great idea!!!! Mocha, our 9 year old chocolate lab has adjusted well. As for me, I am up at 4 am and she drives me crazy all day long. But we love her and as other people have noted she has changed my disposition for the better and lord knows that was necessary!

Over the Fourth of July Holiday Weekend, I was able to spend time talking with a fellow IF survivor. She is the best friend of my cousin (who is more like a sister to me) and almost 10 years ago she had a hysterectomy as a result of endometriosis. This was after she tried (and failed) at IVF. Her attitude is positive and upbeat, has been throughout it all and it is contagious! Now she and her DH have adopted a son, from Russia, who is 6 years old and they are part of a Foster to Adopt Program in Indiana as well in hopes of adding another member to their family. Prior to this opportunity to chat, my attitude was very poor about trying IVF again. Basically, I felt that no matter what it wouldn't work so why bother. The morning after we chatted I woke up after a good nights sleep (something I hadn't been doing of late and not because of the puppy, but because I kept thinking about IF) and my whole outlook has gone to a more positive approach. While I appreciate and cherish all of my "IF Sisters in Cyberland" it was very powerful to sit face to face and have a conversation with something who truly understands what it is like!!!!!

I have been doing a lot of reading and internet research as well during my time off. Thanks to other bloggers out there I found the book, So Close and read it. Wow, what a powerful book and inspirational at best ... read it cover to cover in one day. I have also ordered, Infertiltiy Wisdom, and look forward to reading it and hopefully finding somethings in my diet and lifestyle I can change. I have also read a lot about DHEA and am anxious to speak to my doctor about whether or not this is something for me and "my eggs of poor quality".

This week I plan to make a consultation appointment with an Accupuncturist our nurse recommended. So, yes, I am slowly preparing myself for IVF #2 in the fall. Ideally I would like to start in September or October. We'll see ... my DH and I have not spoken about IF for months now other than him making comments like "In the Fall when we try again". He is an amazing man and I thank god for allowing him to be part of my life everyday. IF and IVF has definately put a strain on our marriage. But I know we are strong and love each other and will find our way back to "normal" again. In the meantime, I am also reading / taking the Love Dare challenge for him as well.

I'm glad to be back blogging and I am ready to be. Congratulations to all of you out there who have been successful in your quest for children of late. And for those of us who are still trying, remain positive, our time too shall come!

Shock

2009-05-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

Last Wednesday we met with the RE to discuss the next step. I guess I should appreciate how blunt she is, but it is still so hard! The RE told us that my egg quality is poor, couple that with my age 37 (which some feel is old) and the endo she would recommend donor eggs or adoption. Can you say shock, dismay, utter disbelief!!!!!! That is basically all I heard of the hour conversation. Thank god my DH was there to listen to the rest! The RE is willing to try IVF one more time if that is our wish, but she doesn't expect different results. WOW! Not what I expected to hear. The nurse recommended that if we try IVF again we take a break, try acupuncture and then go again.
I have cried so much in the last week I don't think I can cry again. I am so angry I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Why? What have I done wrong? Why does the "white trash" mom get to reproduce at will at the expense of the government? These are just a few of the questions, emotions and issues I have been trying to deal with over the past week.
My DH and I agree donor eggs are not an option for us. I am throwing around the idea of acupuncture. Anyone out there have experience? Other suggestions? We are leaning toward taking a break (until July or August), relax while I am off of school, try acupuncture and go the IVF route one more time. My issue right now is how will I get myself in a positive mode to try again and not be stuck on the fact "the doctor doesn't expect different results"?
And then there is the issue of adoption, which we aren't even discussing yet. How does one afford to adopt is my biggest question? We are by no means poor nor are we rich, but come on who has that kind of money to put toward adoption?
I am so frustrated! Looking for books to read, ideas, suggestions etc! Help!

I'm Sorry ... two horrible words!

2009-04-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my pregnancy test first thing in the morning and then waiting all day for the results. In the afternoon my cell phone rang ... it was the doctor (bad sign number one) and then she said it, "I'm so sorry ... ". Yep, it was negative:(

This whole thing sucks! Of course the doctor wants us to come in for a consultation ... what does that mean!?!?! So I need to call and make an appointment today.

Why? Why? Why? I know there is no good answer, but it sure would help if there was.

At what point do you call it quits? How long do you subject your body to all of this crap, not to mention your emotions? Yeah, insurance will pay for two more attempts, but what will make those any more successful?

And my DH ... he is the most awesome man I know! His support is overwhelming, his hugs comforting and the way he kisses away my tears phenominal. He just keeps saying whatever I want to do he will support.

Now what? I would like to crawl back into bed and forget this whole thing, but instead I got up, got dressed and came to work ... big accomplishment if you ask me!

2dp3dt

2009-04-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well I am officially off of "couch arrest"! Wednesday was our transfer day! I have to admit I was more nervous about the whole transfer process than I was when I had laproscopic surgery!?!?! The day after retrieval we had four fertilized embryos. On transfer day we had three viable bundles of joy so we transfered all THREE! (Good lord, what was I thinking!) I am finally feeling good today ... my endo has been angry about all that has been going on in there and the pain has been less than comfortable. So, now we wait ... and continue those painful Progesterone shots ... ouch! Trying to remain positive and take it easy ... and I think I finally convinced my husband that we are not telling anyone about this latest step in our quest to have a baby ... again my supersticions getting the best of me.

Happy Easter:)

Fertilization Update

2009-04-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

I got the call today ... four out of the six fertilized into embryos since yesterday! So , now I wait for the call tomorrow to see if we are a Wednesday or Friday transfer.

I am still bloated and a little soar today. Since the majority of the follicles were on the left ovary which is the side with endo and endured surgery in July I have myself convinced that is why I am so soar. Sounds good, right? It's either that or I am a wuss!?!?!

Still afraid to talk about it (and typing is taking a lot of courage) ... amazing how infertility makes us such pessimists!

Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers:)

Retrieval Day!

2009-04-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

Well today was the big day! Retrieval was this morning. All rather uneventful and in the end six eggs were retrieved. Now we wait and see!
The bowel prep yesterday was okay. I was starving but overall survived. I do have to say my gag reflex did not like the "gunk" I had to drink ... and who ever said you had to drink 2 liters in 20 minutes ... that did not happen! But I did manage to gag it all down in less than an hour. All a process I do not wish to experience anytime soon.
Retrieval was good ... why was I nervous? Guess it was the "unknown" factor. No sooner was I on the table with the IV in and next thing I knew I was getting out of a wheelchair back into the bed (how did I get in the wheelchair to begin with?) Within the hour I had eaten my crackers, drank the ginger ale and used the restroom so I was free to go! Next on the agenda for the day was FOOD .... I was hungry and then a long nap! No major side effects I am proud to report ... took some tylenol and the cramping went away and the spotting is almost gone.
DH is awesome! Last night he didn't eat either because he felt we both should starve! He has waited on me hand and foot all day and is currently cooking dinner:)
Here is to positive thoughts and prayers over the next few days and a successful end to this story! Hang in there sisters out there ... your time will come to I just know it!

I don't want to jinx it ... but it is working!

2009-04-03T14:59:00.001-07:00

I have never been a supersticious person, but since I posted last I have turned into one! We started our third attempt at IVF with the Rosenwak Protocal and it is working! If you recall our first two attempts at IVF were unsuccessful due to me being over suppressed (thanks Lupron). This protocal, however, has gotten us further than we have ever been before. So far that we are set for Retrieval on Sunday!!!!! I can't believe I am actually typing that since I won't tell anyone, talk about it nor let my DH do the same. As of today I have 6 (maybe 7) follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right (all mature) and my estrogen is 1176! I will remain positive (even with the Trigger shot tonight ... NOT looking forward to that big needle) and quiet. Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated and to those of you not seeing such success currently I feel for you ... I do however, have renewed faith that your day will come too!

Anyone ever had the bowel prep before? Due to my extensive endo on the left ovary I have to go through the bowl prep to ensure that there is easy access to my left ovary. Appears to be a harmless process, but the thought of drinking all of that "gunk" and then not being able to eat anything but liquids all day tomorrow is going to be a treat I am sure!

Here we go again ...

2009-03-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Well I just talked to the nurse. It is official ... on Tuesday we will start our third attempt at IVF! Hopefully this one will result in more than shots and then cancellation because I am too suppressed!
I have totally mixed feelings about starting this again. It has been since December and while it hasn't been easy I have started to accept all that has happened so now it is time to dredge up all those emotions again!?!?!
This will be the first attempt since I started blogging and I have a feeling the support I receive through the blogs will help.
Now I must re-order the medication ... gotta love that the most expensive meds expired and now need to be replaced .... it's just money, right?
Overall, today is a good day! The news about IFV #3 is good, I am off of work today (thanks to Parent Teacher Conferences last night), I invited my parents to come up for the weekend (my idea and my DH was very impressed) and the sun is shining:) Hopefully the weekend with my folks will be good and my mood will remain stable!?!? Happy Friday!

Tired

2009-03-05T15:32:00.001-08:00

I am so tired! Not physically, emotionally! I am tired of:

not being pregnant
having to pretend to be happy for those women who are pregnant ( had this joy today when one of my teachers, whom I like, came to tell me she is pregnant and oh yeah they weren't even trying)
being an emotional mess
being angry
being sad
being mad
infertile
this women infertility has made me into ( I can hardly stand myself let alone others having to stand me at times)
wondering when I might be pregnant
waiting

I know I am not alone, but actually seeing this in print made me feel better for a minute:)

On another note, today I received a gift from someone ... a statue of a frog. She says that her doctor told her that the frog is a symbol of fertility!?! I have never heard this, anyone heard of this?

Dealing with Family that just doesn't understand

2009-02-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

Let me start out by by saying my mom and I are good friends, but we are struggling right now! The problems all started when I had Lapro Surgery this past summer. I did not want my mom at the hospital during the surgery and since I wouldn't be awake for most of it I left it up to my DH. He confirmed he wanted to be alone. Following surgery I asked my DH to call my mom and request she come the next day when DH would be returning to work. The day after surgery I spoke to my mom (who lives 90 miles south of me) at about 10:00 a.m She was on the way here when she ran into car trouble. Now let me stop and say my folks are in the automotive business and own about 10 cars! Long story short, my mother, couldn't make it until 2 days post-surgery to visit me prior to leaving on vacation the following day for the next 10 days. I was hurt! (And obviously still harboring some of those feelings).
Since making the decision to try IVF my mom hasn't know how to react. She talks to DH husband and asks questions, but avoids me at times like the plague. Why? I don't understand and then I get mad and the animosity from post surgery creaps back up. All a vicious cycle! My DH tells me neither one of my parents know how to deal with me and IVF, but here is an idea how about dealing with me for me?
Anybody else out there had a similar situation or words of advice?

Bad day / Good Day ... you decide

2009-02-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in a bad mood and I'm not sure why? This morning I woke up in an even worse mood ... if that was possible! I spent the majority of my day in my office so as to not "hurt" anyone. No matter what people did it was wrong, they were stupid and annoying me by just breathing! Then about an hour ago it all made sense ... PMS and my cycle started. So now, I am not as crabby, but there is a war going on in my body with Endo pain and cramps! Aagh! Hormones, pain ... save me now!

Let me just say that while I don't like most human beings these past 48 hours I am eternally grateful to everyone in cyberland who has been so supportive, welcoming and overall great! I am so glad I decided to blog my way through these demons. It is great to know there are others out there who understand:)

Support in cyberland

2009-02-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

I started this blog because it is hard to be infertile in a fertile world! I am surrounded by people who get pregnant at will and then don't appreciate that fact! I try hard to remain positive, but it is hard! Hopefully cyberland and the friends I will make here will help. Because after all no one understands what we are going through unless you are or have gone through this yourself!

I titled my blog Infertility Demons because this is the worst demon I have ever faced! I grew up babysitting, then spent my college years nannying for several different families. Never did I imagine that I might some day face the reality of not having a child!

Life after surgery

2009-02-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

Our first appointment with the Fertility Specialist was in August 2008. Due to my endo the only protocol she feels might work is IVF. I HATED , yes I said that in the past tense, needles so this was going to be a problem. The first step was Lupron to suppress the Endo. Then in October we attempted our first IVF cycle. Well, the Lupron worked really well and even with the stimulation medication I only produced two follicles so the cycle was canceled. The day before Thanksgiving we began our second attempt at IVF. Once again this was canceled due to only two follicles. The doctor changed the protocol and we were to try lucky number three the first week of February 2009. This cycle was post-poned because my BP spiked for several days without reason. So, here I sit typing waiting for my period (funny how I use to dread my period and now it seems I am always praying it will come NOW). Hopefully my period will arrive soon so I can start cycle #3 in March. I'll turn 37 in March and find it hard to believe I will still not be a mom:(

"You have an ovarian cyst"...

2009-02-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

I was diagnosed with a cyst ( 5 X 4 X 3 cm) in April 2008. We were told to wait 8 weeks, yes 8 weeks and see what happens! So, we waited and worried (or at least I worried, my rock, my DH, didn't worry or at least let me know). In June we went back to my OB who confirmed the cyst was still there and would need to be surgically removed. Surgery was set for July. Surgery ... the good news they were able to save the ovary ... the bad news I have Stage III Endometriosis. At this point we already had an appointment to see a Fertility Specialist so we waited and remained numb!

The nightmare begins ...

2009-02-16T14:55:00.000-08:00

April 16, 2008 was the beginning of this nightmare. I was at work in a meeting when I began to feel sick. The sickness gradually got worse and I soon left work to come home. I thought I had the flu or something. My DH went to work and I went back to bed. Within three hours I was in such pain I called for a ride to the hospital as my DH was working out of town that particular day. The ER was an adventure! First they thought my appendix was the problem. Let me just say that the test to determine if your appendix is the issue is not a pleasant experience at all! In ruling this out they discovered the cyst on my left ovary. Our story began ...